a smile that drowns misery

I go through so many emotions through a span of one night, almost every night... I reach home tired, just wanting to have dinner, watch some TV and sleep… then I see her playing, vigorously thrashing her hands and legs, up and down... This is her way of digesting the milk she’s had all day… So, I have dinner with her in front my eyes, instead of the idiot box...

After dinner, the cycles begin... I clean up the room, and keep everything ready while her mother feeds her... She has fed her willing and patiently all day, sacrificing her sleep and even basic 'me-time'...

I believe that a woman starts becoming a mother as soon as she conceives, a man unfortunately begins his long and arduous journey towards fatherhood, only after the birth... There are no hormones that trigger feelings inside him... Physiology doesn't allow him to feed the baby through natural means... His upbringing makes it difficult for him to just shed a tear and express his feelings.. He has to learn on the job... Motherhood isn't easy on the woman by any stretch of imagination... It changes her life completely... The kind of sacrifices and adjustment mothers make is something unfathomable to a man... But it isn't a cakewalk for the father as well... especially one who wants to be there and help out...

Anyway, I digress...

Once it is clearly established that the feeding phase is over, I swing into action and swing her in my arms... Singing old random songs and making up the lyrics where my memory fails me... Waiting for her to drift into sleep... Then I place her on her bed and carefully put the mosquito net on her... We talk in whispers, I oil the hinges of all the doors so that they don’t creak when we use them… Watching TV is out of question, because even a TV on mute generates a kind of static sound which can startle a kid...

But invariably, after half hour she'll either soil herself or wake up with a start... And so the cycles continue... Around midnight, this process can get so frustrating...

Then finally around 1 am, she'll sleep for good... Because this time her hunger is completely satiated and her diaper is completely dry... She's still in my arms and I’m swinging her while singing old songs that she doesn’t understand right now, and will probably not connect with in future... she gives this faint smile in her sleep… Some people say that she sees angels or her past life, and is smiling at the memories... It could simply be an involuntary twitching of facial muscles... But I’d like to believe that she is smiling at us and thanking us for giving her a good time, again... and in that one smile, I drown all my exhaustion and frustration... I just smile back with tears welling in my eyes... 

A part of me wants her to grow up into a fine young woman... Strong, independent, confident and knowledgeable, but at the same time, humble, respectful and kind... And yet, a part of me wants her to stay this way... Sleeping in my arms and giving me a smile... Making me feel relevant and wanted...