The Mother of All Judgements

Society hath no prejudice like a woman judged. And the mother of all judgements is reserved, unfortunately, for the mother herself.

It begins much before the woman actually becomes a mother. No child even after three years of marriage; “Must be one of those ambitious types” or “Must be something wrong with her”. Remains nauseous and irritable in the first trimester; “She’s over-reacting. My Bhabhi also delivered a baby and she never acted this way”. Hasn’t put on too much weight in the second trimester; “Must be one of those figure conscious types”. Puts on too much weight in the second trimester; “All this pampering seems to have gone into her head”. She’s judged if she hopes for a boy and she’s judged if she pines for a girl.

But the proverbial shit really hits the fan when labour strikes. If she undergoes a c-section; “Must have insisted for it”. If she opts for an epidural; “Took the easy way out. She’ll never be able to bond with the baby without undergoing the pain”. If the child weighs less than 3 kg; “She never really took good care of herself”. If the child weighs more than 3.5 kg; “I kept on telling her that she’s eating unhealthy, but she just wouldn’t listen”. If the child is formula fed, “She’s taking the easy way out. She’ll never be able to bond with the baby like she would have through breastfeeding”. If diapers are used; “She’s taking the easy way out. We never used diapers during our times.” If a nanny is hired so that the mother can join back work; “Must be one of those ambitious types.”

In fact, taking the easy way out is considered a hara-kiri for the mother and fostering an ambition is akin to having a secret uranium enrichment programme. Motherhood has been made to look like a rite of passage – the more pain you endure; more you change your life; more you adjust and compromise; better a mother you are.

This goes on to such an extent that eventually the mother takes the whip from the hands of the society and starts flogging herself with self-doubt. As if she is less of a mother, if she uses formula. As if she’s less of a woman if the libido wanes after a full day of feeding, cleaning the poop and helping with the household chores. As if she’s less of a human, if the baby catches a cold or gets a rash due to the diapers. 

The father, of course, is not usually judged too harshly if he opts for a cheaper non-AC room at the maternity hospital; or if he doesn’t wake up in the middle of the night every time the infant cries. Nor is he deemed too ambitious if he decides to shift cities with a child in tow for better job prospects. But it is time we realise that parenting is a collective responsibility. And when one is unfairly judged, somewhere it affects both. So, although as fathers, we might not be able to do everything that a mother can; the least that we can do is stand by them as they face the judgements and fight by their side when they finally decide that enough is enough.

Article in the Loksatta Jansatta Newspaper | March 26, 2017

A New Parent Walks Down The Aisle

Every day we are bombarded by thousands of ads, promotional campaigns and flyers that are thrust upon us while we wait for the lights to turn green. If our brain were to process each of these stimuli, then it would probably konk-off by the time you drove down to office. How the brain manages to maintain sanity (or some resemblance of it) is by streamlining and prioritizing needs and wants. So, you end up seeing the ads that match the stated or unstated needs inside you. Now you know why the roads seem to be full of car advertisements when you want to buy a new car.

Most of the times, this process is manageable because you are buying for yourself. You know (or at least you think you know) what you want, and thus can make a buying decision. This is why it’s so difficult to buy a gift for your other half – because it’s difficult (and dangerous) to guesstimate what someone else might want. And worse, most of the times, they don’t state it because they ‘expect’ you to know. (And also, because you don’t listen, but that is for your other, better half to explain).

Now imagine buying stuff for someone who is a fraction of that better half and is more adamant at not stating her needs (Chill! I’ve a daughter. I’m not being a sexist!). That’s right! Welcome to parenthood! There is a whole world of products out there, that you don’t quite register till the time you don't become parents. And once you enter this world, it is quite easy to get overwhelmed and lost.

Everything seems exorbitant when you see the almost-nothing quantity of material you get for maxing out your credit card. And worse, everything seems like a must-have because (a) you are trying to think like a new-born and (b) because the marketers know a thing or two about manipulating and guilt-tripping first-time customers into buying a lot of stuff that they really don’t need. These shopping expeditions can be a learning experience as well. For example, there is a clothing size called ‘new born’ as well as a size called ‘0-3 months’ (why!). Like every learning, these too come at a price. 

But remember! Parenthood usually lasts longer than most home loans. So, space out your purchases. You can always buy that ‘my-baby-absolutely-needs-it-right-away’ diaper changing station, next month. Another important rule to remember is ‘what is costly, is not always better quality’. Give those small shops and bustling markets where your parents used to shop for you, a look before you head to the malls and online markets. You usually get very good stuff in those ‘old city’ markets and they can save you a lot of money as well – which you can later spend in buying diapers. 

(This article was published in the March 03, 2017 edition of Loksatta-Jansatta newspaper in Vadodara)

No Textbook For Textbook Parenting

For a nation, so proficient at making babies, we aren’t too efficient at preparing first-time parents for the grueling life ahead. The onus of training the new mother still rests on her mother, while the new father relies on a whole host of practically experienced or theoretically sound well-wishers and good old Google baba. Prenatal classes continue to remain an elusive creature that your Amrikawale cousins talk about.

Parenting is both an art and a science,but it has no textbooks. You only learn on the job. In most cases, soon after the birth, the all-knowing grandma takes over. For the next 1.25 months (or 3, 5 or 6 months as the case may be), the freshly conscripted mother is taught the tricks of the trade. By and large, Naanis are quite adept at passing on the not-so-secret code of motherhood. But quite often, like a new mobile phone pre-loaded with bloatware, this information also contains a fair bit of “old wives’ tales” – basically, information that is at least 25 to 30 years behind its time.

Now I am not the one to debunk every ancient knowledge as archaic. Some of these ‘tricks’, although not corroborated by any baby book, still work wonderfully well. I even know of few pediatricians who swear by these ‘Naanimaa ke nuskhe’ even if they can’t always explain scientifically as to how they work.

However, the knowledge deficit is not only in skill, but also in temperament. From personal experience, I have realised that one of the most powerful and faithful, yet understated tool in a parent’s toolbox is patience. The exuberance of becoming a parent lasts for the first few days. But eventually at some point, you will be left in a room with a child that knows nothing about the world around and a spouse who is almost as inexperienced and overwhelmed as you are.

There will be nights where the child will cry for no apparent or plausible reason, there will be times where she’ll wake up with a start just when you think that the worst is over, and there will be times when you will repent planning a family in the first place. You will feel frustrated and helpless. And then it’ll turn to anger – sometimes at yourself, sometimes at your spouse, and sometimes, even at your child.

What one needs to remember is – no matter how bad the situation may seem or how incapable and clueless you may feel, you are not alone. Almost every first-time parent goes through this nadir.It is just not something that people make Facebook posts about, so you are usually not privy to such experiences. Another thing to remember is that no matter how dark the night may seem, the morning will arrive. And when this proverbial, but beautiful dawn comes, you will be more patient than you were the night before; and probably more than you ever were in your life before.

Make no mistake, parenthood will continue to throw challenges at you, it will test your patience and it will test your love; but you will be more equipped and better prepared to handle it with every passing day.

(Published, with minor edits, in the January 29 edition of Loksatta-Jansatta newspaper in Vadodara, India. The views mentioned are personal.)

The Parent Rant

Marriages are highly over-rated. Decades of movies, urban legends, smart-alec friends and whatsapp forwards have played bogeyman to make us wary of marriages. “Your life will change”, “You’ll lose all your freedom”, “You’ll lose all your friends from the opposite sex”, “You can change your boss when you change your job, but you can’t change your spouse” (well, at least not that easily). Hogwash! I married my high school sweetheart four years back, after eight years of courtship; and you know what?? Nothing changed! In hindsight, it could be because I was always this one-woman, miserly, conservative and boring chap whose idea of a good time is hogging food at a roadside stall – but meh!

But you know what really changes your life? Parenthood. Imagine life as a roller-coaster – marriage is just a slow upward climb where you’re being pushed ahead by creaking levers and gears. Parenthood is what comes after that pause on top. It can be scary, exciting, scream-invoking, puke-inducing or all of them together… almost simultaneously.

Parenthood can be quite revealing too. No, I’m not talking about your personal inadequacies. When you become a parent, you suddenly realise everything that is wrong with the world – Salary hikes which aren’t big enough to impact your standard of living but are just enough to put you into the next tax bracket; taxes that make you feel that when you go on a date, you are taking the government with you; traffic where everyone wants to go somewhere but eventually no one goes anywhere; processions for events as prosaic as weddings and as preposterous as an India-Bangladesh match; hyper-active festival celebrations which all look, feel and sound the same. Suddenly you can feel every draught that passes through the hinges of your door because your baby feels the chill and a shiver runs down your spine!

One of the first things I realised after becoming a parent two months back (Thank you! Thank you!) was this:India is an incredibly noisy country! From the neighbourhood aunties who shout from their balconies everything from their prospective lunch menu to their husband’s persistent rash, to the roadside romeo who’ll faithfully honk his horn every time he passes by the house of his newest beloved; from the TV sets that are sold as much on the loudness of the speakers as they are on the clarity of the picture, to mobile phones that ensure that every living organism in a 200m radius knows when a call comes in – This country believes in keeping everything loud & unclear.

My latest gripe is regarding toys; toys for infants and toddlers, to be precise. Why do they have to be so loud? Why must all my neighbours know that my kid is listening to Twinkle Twinkle Little Stars? Why can’t I have a peaceful (or even a comprehensible) conversation while my kid is playing her latest toy? What makes this worse is that gradually, this cacophony becomes competitive. The latest toy has to be louder than the last one. In fact, it has to be louder than any other noise-making apparatus in the whole vicinity! Things have come to such an end that parents shake the toy to see what kind of sound (who are we kidding? Noise) it creates before they buy it. It’s a bat!! A cricket bat!! It’s not supposed to rattle!!

We as a nation must break this vicious circle of noise so that my child can sleep in peace; so that I can sleep… at last! Please!

(This article was printed in the Sunday edition of Vadodara's Loksatta-Jansatta newspaper (January 08, 2017). My first ever news article. :-))

a smile that drowns misery

I go through so many emotions through a span of one night, almost every night... I reach home tired, just wanting to have dinner, watch some TV and sleep… then I see her playing, vigorously thrashing her hands and legs, up and down... This is her way of digesting the milk she’s had all day… So, I have dinner with her in front my eyes, instead of the idiot box...

After dinner, the cycles begin... I clean up the room, and keep everything ready while her mother feeds her... She has fed her willing and patiently all day, sacrificing her sleep and even basic 'me-time'...

I believe that a woman starts becoming a mother as soon as she conceives, a man unfortunately begins his long and arduous journey towards fatherhood, only after the birth... There are no hormones that trigger feelings inside him... Physiology doesn't allow him to feed the baby through natural means... His upbringing makes it difficult for him to just shed a tear and express his feelings.. He has to learn on the job... Motherhood isn't easy on the woman by any stretch of imagination... It changes her life completely... The kind of sacrifices and adjustment mothers make is something unfathomable to a man... But it isn't a cakewalk for the father as well... especially one who wants to be there and help out...

Anyway, I digress...

Once it is clearly established that the feeding phase is over, I swing into action and swing her in my arms... Singing old random songs and making up the lyrics where my memory fails me... Waiting for her to drift into sleep... Then I place her on her bed and carefully put the mosquito net on her... We talk in whispers, I oil the hinges of all the doors so that they don’t creak when we use them… Watching TV is out of question, because even a TV on mute generates a kind of static sound which can startle a kid...

But invariably, after half hour she'll either soil herself or wake up with a start... And so the cycles continue... Around midnight, this process can get so frustrating...

Then finally around 1 am, she'll sleep for good... Because this time her hunger is completely satiated and her diaper is completely dry... She's still in my arms and I’m swinging her while singing old songs that she doesn’t understand right now, and will probably not connect with in future... she gives this faint smile in her sleep… Some people say that she sees angels or her past life, and is smiling at the memories... It could simply be an involuntary twitching of facial muscles... But I’d like to believe that she is smiling at us and thanking us for giving her a good time, again... and in that one smile, I drown all my exhaustion and frustration... I just smile back with tears welling in my eyes... 

A part of me wants her to grow up into a fine young woman... Strong, independent, confident and knowledgeable, but at the same time, humble, respectful and kind... And yet, a part of me wants her to stay this way... Sleeping in my arms and giving me a smile... Making me feel relevant and wanted...