The one about Festivals

Disclaimer: This is a rant post. If you don't agree with the contents of this post then please feel free to scroll away. I am only as interested in knowing and understanding your views, as you are in knowing and understanding mine.

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I am neither a die-hard animal rights activist, nor a born-again sustainability expert; neither an arm-chair liberal, nor a pseudo-secular. I am just an average guy who finds this commoditization, gamification and dehumanisation of festivals, horribly irritating and dangerous - an average guy who usually keeps these views to himself as he doesnt want to piss over someone else's parade or get into a mud-slinging match with the easily offended zealots.

If you have lived long enough, you'd probably agree that these days all festivals sound and smell the same - sound of blaring loudspeakers or fire crackers and smell of smoke emanating from the same. Be it Uttarayan, Diwali, Navratri or Holi - mindless cacophony is a common characteristic. I talk about Hindu festivals, not because I dont want to offend the 'minority communities', but because I am a Hindu and only know a thing or two about Hindu festivals. I am sure that the situation is just the same, if not worse, during festivals across most religions.

Every festival is becoming one more excuse for personal, community and political one-upmanship. Everyone wants a larger loudspeaker, louder firecracker and spend more than the next guy, house or lane. And in the midst of all this nonsense, a sizeable part of the population gets grinded in - the infants, old, infirm, the non-humans and the ones who just want some quietude.

I understand the importance of festivals - they feed the economy, bring us together as a family and community, and give us a much-desired break from work. But can't people be a little more civic, sensitive and considerate of everyone's situation? Cant people just think for a while before bursting loud firecrackers into the night and that too near hospitals? Cant people understand that washing the streets with animal blood is not a good idea?

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After-thought: They can't and they wont. People only voice their minds over social media, they seldom change it there. I have pretty much resigned to the fate that festivals are only going to get worse with each passing year. They have become an occupational hazard of being 'human'.

Discomforting Replies

We live in an unfairly segmented and segregated world. There are grid lines running everywhere – lines cutting across the rich and the poor, young and old, ‘upper’ and ‘lower’ castes… and at a very fundamental level – man and woman. And each one of us is part of and (to various extent) party to this unfair world. Some bring down the average by continuing to do despicable things (and finding new ways of doing it) while others bring down the average by just being average – being part of the quiet masses that accept, normalize and thereby encourage the aforementioned dastardly acts.

The past month has been quite difficult. Every wall I scroll, every feed I read is full of women finally finding the courage to name and shame the perpetrators – men who have taken these women and their silence for granted; the privileged who have misused and abused their privileges. Most of these perpetrators are now buckling up to weather the storm; and weather it they will because most of them are too well-entrenched and well-connected to be uprooted or isolated. I read these articles, posts and tweets and feel equally complicit (if not more). Because although I may not have harassed, objectified or exploited women in public or private life, I have been a spectator – and largely, a mute spectator. And while there have been occasions where I have expressed my displeasure of the ‘dude-bro’ culture to the dudes and the bros; but these occasions have far too few to merit an exoneration. And I firmly believe that I am not an isolated example. I am sure that like me, there are many men out there who must be reading these allegations and thinking “wow! Thank God I’m not one of them”…. Just ask yourself in all honesty… Am I?

Have you seen something like this happen at home, office or public places and remained quiet? Have you seen the women of your house being cut short in a conversation, being told that ‘this is not an area of your expertise’, or ‘you will not understand these things’? Have you been part of a dude-bro gang at office where people have bragged about their latest exploits, name called a female colleague who did not respond to their not-so-subtle cues, attributed a female colleague’s success or promotion to her gender rather than her work? Ask yourself these questions and reply to yourself. Your replies are important to you, not me. I have enough uncomfortable replies of my own that I need to deal with and live with.

The past cannot be changed. But it should not be rationalized and accepted as well. The past needs to be acknowledged, evaluated and duly addressed so that it remains in the past and doesn’t get repeated in the future. Because, despite the outrage that is being expressed today, despite the wrongs that are being called out today, despite the courage that is being shown today; if the future doesn’t change. Then, shame on us.

The World Needs Changing

Most of us in our 20s have this urge to rebel against the system, to challenge the societal norms and to change the world. Somewhere down the road we realize that getting a college admission is difficult enough; changing jobs is difficult enough; finding love is difficult enough; and staying in love is even more so. The rebellious 20s and its steady demise is a well-documented phenomenon. What is not that well-documented is its resurgence after parenthood.

Parenting has been in existence since the birth of mankind. Still every generation believes that it can better this art; that it can learn from the mistakes that it sees around it (as well as the ones it must have endured) and ensure that the same are not repeated. We all want to be better parents – and we all believe that the only way to be better, is to be different. So, after the euphoria of childbirth wanes, we arm ourselves with a mental checklist of what we ought to do… and more importantly, what we ought not to do. So, suddenly, swaddling becomes old school, diapers become chic, mother-toddler classes become as important as college, and every (and I mean, e.v.e.r.y.) vaccination mentioned in the pediatrician's file becomes inevitable and crucial. We all cringe a little when we see our parents parenting our children – forgetting that they did a pretty good job (well, most of the time) with us in the first place.

In our quest to not repeat certain mistakes, we make some new ones. We reinvent certain wheels and rediscover certain fires (always the hard way, mind you). And through it all, we unduly stress ourselves by setting non-SMART goals for ourselves as parents – goals that are neither Specific, nor Measurable, Achievable, Result-oriented, or Time-bound. We will try and breast-feed for as long as humanly possible. We will vie (and save) to send our children to that snobbish uptown school that we loathed as a child. And on a personal note, we will try and keep the child away from screens for as long as possible.

The last one kind of fell through for us a few weeks back. One fine day, our Precious decided that she’s not going to have any food without entertainment. I remember of a time, not too long ago, when singing a song or reading a book with a funny accent did the trick; but the queen decided that she’ll not be so easily entertained. We tried and tried while the Cerelac went cold… and then, finally, out of sheer frustration, we did something that we never thought that we’d fall for – ChuChu TV. And while Precious now passively finishes her bowl, our conscience constantly gnaws at our innards. Now I don’t know about my better half, but I have made peace with this fact that screens are going to be an integral part of Precious’ life – one can only delay the inevitable, not prevent it altogether. Onto the next item on the list then. After all, the world needs changing.

A tomorrow full of yesterdays

Just seems like yesterday, when she was handed over to me by an ecstatic grandma, and my hands trembled.. my first child.. and the first child I ever held.. a bundle of joy wrapped tight in a bundle of cloth that once used to be her mother's dupatta.. she may resemble me but she will always be a part of her..

Today she sleeps beside me.. with a semblance of an actual person.. saying no to food when she doesn't feel like it.. showing signs of jealousy and possessiveness.. she stands up on her own, takes a step or two when I support her arms.. and independently, when her mother is in front of her.. she demands to be taken out for rides.. she demands to be treated with respect.. one angry stare or a loud no, and she will make sure that you feel sorry..

Tomorrow this today will be a yesterday.. and then there will be many, many yesterdays.. but no matter how many tomorrows come... It'll just seem like yesterday...

A Parent-friendly Workplace

First up, let me just put it on record that the terms ‘parent-friendly’ and ‘workplace’ are antithetical by nature. Parent-friendly would be anything that would make my life as a parent easier. And one of the core requirements would be its ability to enable me to spend more quality and happy time with my child. If you are an office-going parent living in India like me, you are probably spending 50 to 60 percent of your waking hours at work – and for six days a week, if you are really unfortunate. So simply by the ‘virtue’ (for want of a better word) of keeping me away from my child for 50 hours every week, I am in a relationship with my office; and it is inherently parent-unfriendly.

That said, just because the workplace has a default handicap, doesn’t mean that it cannot become more parent-friendly. 2017 has been a landmark year of all new, expecting and prospecting parents. The Maternity Benefit (Amendment) Act, 2017 has given at least the mother, a bit of reprieve in the form of 26-week paid maternity leave. Despite being a father, I’m not a big proponent of extended paternity leave. This is because I still feel that the Indian male needs to evolve more as a care-giver before staking claim to a 3-month or 6-month paternity leave. For starters, let’s just help the mothers play their part better, shall we?

It remains to be seen how effectively the Maternity Benefit Act is implemented, because it is a bitter pill for many employers to swallow. Quite a few employers and reporting managers (and considering the current gender ratio in the workforce, let’s assume that a majority are male) still seem to perceive maternity leave as a paid holiday. If you have spent enough time with a freshly consecrated recuperating mother, you would know that it is anything but a joyride.

Now it would be unfair of me to paint all men and employers with a broad stroke. Despite working alongside a number of women and working mothers for close to a decade, I never understood the monumental fallacy of a 12-week maternity leave until I became a father. I am sure there are many men out there, who might not know much about maternity (or even menstruation for that matter). My hypothesis is that it is a result of generations of gender compartmentalization (where even husbands and brothers don’t know what is up with their wives and sisters) and taboofication (real) as well as deification (on paper) of all things related to female anatomy. When you don’t understand something, you are either afraid of it, or worse, take it lightly. But I digress. There is enough fodder here for a separate blog altogether.

I also know of a number of progressive, smart organisations that proactively introduced a 26-week maternity leave even before it became a law. I use the term smart because many understand that this is not only a humane thing to do, it is also good PR. Being progressive and proactive, gets more brownie points on the ‘better place to work’ index, attracts more talent and helps retain them as well.

But an organization cannot become parent-friendly simply by adhering to a regulatory act or by paying lip service to it as a PR exercise. The organization needs to be friendly across the lifecyle of a parent, and not just the beginning of it. What is required is systematic sensitization and compassion from the employer and the colleagues. At the same time, I must play the devil's advocate and ask for a more responsible behaviour by the new-parents as well. So, on one hand, while the reporting manager must empathize with a paranoid young parent who is rushing home early over a sneeze that the precious bundle of joy just had, the paranoid young parent must also learn to stop freaking out over every sneeze. Because when you misuse or abuse the trust reposed in you, you not only provide disservice to your organization; you also give it one more reason to stop being nicer to more parents.