The virtue of purpose is ingrained in
every one of us. We are all told that it is not just a good thing to have, but a must thing to have. We are perennially encouraged to have a goal, a milestone, a benchmark, a designation, a
rank, a pay-grade. And God forbid if we cant think of a purpose, it
is thrust upon us. We are made to believe how wonderful and blissful it is to wake
up with a purpose; something that motivates you to do something that
day; to achieve something; to finish something. I have been waking up
with a purpose for quite sometime now. I go to sleep telling myself
what I have achieved and what is still left and I wake knowing
exactly what is to be done. And I am
utterly bored and fed up of it.
I cant
remember now how it is to live a day where you don't expect anything
from yourself and nobody expects anything from you as well. Where you
are just yourself; whiling away time; sitting there and endlessly
staring at something without even looking at it; not realising that
you are thirsty or hungry; thinking about something so deeply that
you don't even remember what you were thinking about when you are out of
that trance. I cant remember the last time I wasted a day without
feeling or being made to feel guilty about it. I cant even believe that I have reached a stage where I am using the word 'wasted' to describe such a day.
I miss
being aimless. I am not sure if I would like it that way. I am not
saying that I want to wipe out the slate and pull down the house of
cards and do it (or not do it) all over again. I just want a chance
to know it, feel it and experience it once more. It is like that old
tattered, faded and 'stonewashed' pair of jeans that you found hip once and still cant
manage to throw away. You feel like trying it on every decade or so.
Sometimes you will love the fact that you can still fit in it,
sometimes you will realise how childish you were and how better off
you are now. I just cant find that jeans now. And that makes me miss
it all the more.
