The Mother of All Judgements

Society hath no prejudice like a woman judged. And the mother of all judgements is reserved, unfortunately, for the mother herself.

It begins much before the woman actually becomes a mother. No child even after three years of marriage; “Must be one of those ambitious types” or “Must be something wrong with her”. Remains nauseous and irritable in the first trimester; “She’s over-reacting. My Bhabhi also delivered a baby and she never acted this way”. Hasn’t put on too much weight in the second trimester; “Must be one of those figure conscious types”. Puts on too much weight in the second trimester; “All this pampering seems to have gone into her head”. She’s judged if she hopes for a boy and she’s judged if she pines for a girl.

But the proverbial shit really hits the fan when labour strikes. If she undergoes a c-section; “Must have insisted for it”. If she opts for an epidural; “Took the easy way out. She’ll never be able to bond with the baby without undergoing the pain”. If the child weighs less than 3 kg; “She never really took good care of herself”. If the child weighs more than 3.5 kg; “I kept on telling her that she’s eating unhealthy, but she just wouldn’t listen”. If the child is formula fed, “She’s taking the easy way out. She’ll never be able to bond with the baby like she would have through breastfeeding”. If diapers are used; “She’s taking the easy way out. We never used diapers during our times.” If a nanny is hired so that the mother can join back work; “Must be one of those ambitious types.”

In fact, taking the easy way out is considered a hara-kiri for the mother and fostering an ambition is akin to having a secret uranium enrichment programme. Motherhood has been made to look like a rite of passage – the more pain you endure; more you change your life; more you adjust and compromise; better a mother you are.

This goes on to such an extent that eventually the mother takes the whip from the hands of the society and starts flogging herself with self-doubt. As if she is less of a mother, if she uses formula. As if she’s less of a woman if the libido wanes after a full day of feeding, cleaning the poop and helping with the household chores. As if she’s less of a human, if the baby catches a cold or gets a rash due to the diapers. 

The father, of course, is not usually judged too harshly if he opts for a cheaper non-AC room at the maternity hospital; or if he doesn’t wake up in the middle of the night every time the infant cries. Nor is he deemed too ambitious if he decides to shift cities with a child in tow for better job prospects. But it is time we realise that parenting is a collective responsibility. And when one is unfairly judged, somewhere it affects both. So, although as fathers, we might not be able to do everything that a mother can; the least that we can do is stand by them as they face the judgements and fight by their side when they finally decide that enough is enough.

Article in the Loksatta Jansatta Newspaper | March 26, 2017