A tomorrow full of yesterdays

Just seems like yesterday, when she was handed over to me by an ecstatic grandma, and my hands trembled.. my first child.. and the first child I ever held.. a bundle of joy wrapped tight in a bundle of cloth that once used to be her mother's dupatta.. she may resemble me but she will always be a part of her..

Today she sleeps beside me.. with a semblance of an actual person.. saying no to food when she doesn't feel like it.. showing signs of jealousy and possessiveness.. she stands up on her own, takes a step or two when I support her arms.. and independently, when her mother is in front of her.. she demands to be taken out for rides.. she demands to be treated with respect.. one angry stare or a loud no, and she will make sure that you feel sorry..

Tomorrow this today will be a yesterday.. and then there will be many, many yesterdays.. but no matter how many tomorrows come... It'll just seem like yesterday...

A Parent-friendly Workplace

First up, let me just put it on record that the terms ‘parent-friendly’ and ‘workplace’ are antithetical by nature. Parent-friendly would be anything that would make my life as a parent easier. And one of the core requirements would be its ability to enable me to spend more quality and happy time with my child. If you are an office-going parent living in India like me, you are probably spending 50 to 60 percent of your waking hours at work – and for six days a week, if you are really unfortunate. So simply by the ‘virtue’ (for want of a better word) of keeping me away from my child for 50 hours every week, I am in a relationship with my office; and it is inherently parent-unfriendly.

That said, just because the workplace has a default handicap, doesn’t mean that it cannot become more parent-friendly. 2017 has been a landmark year of all new, expecting and prospecting parents. The Maternity Benefit (Amendment) Act, 2017 has given at least the mother, a bit of reprieve in the form of 26-week paid maternity leave. Despite being a father, I’m not a big proponent of extended paternity leave. This is because I still feel that the Indian male needs to evolve more as a care-giver before staking claim to a 3-month or 6-month paternity leave. For starters, let’s just help the mothers play their part better, shall we?

It remains to be seen how effectively the Maternity Benefit Act is implemented, because it is a bitter pill for many employers to swallow. Quite a few employers and reporting managers (and considering the current gender ratio in the workforce, let’s assume that a majority are male) still seem to perceive maternity leave as a paid holiday. If you have spent enough time with a freshly consecrated recuperating mother, you would know that it is anything but a joyride.

Now it would be unfair of me to paint all men and employers with a broad stroke. Despite working alongside a number of women and working mothers for close to a decade, I never understood the monumental fallacy of a 12-week maternity leave until I became a father. I am sure there are many men out there, who might not know much about maternity (or even menstruation for that matter). My hypothesis is that it is a result of generations of gender compartmentalization (where even husbands and brothers don’t know what is up with their wives and sisters) and taboofication (real) as well as deification (on paper) of all things related to female anatomy. When you don’t understand something, you are either afraid of it, or worse, take it lightly. But I digress. There is enough fodder here for a separate blog altogether.

I also know of a number of progressive, smart organisations that proactively introduced a 26-week maternity leave even before it became a law. I use the term smart because many understand that this is not only a humane thing to do, it is also good PR. Being progressive and proactive, gets more brownie points on the ‘better place to work’ index, attracts more talent and helps retain them as well.

But an organization cannot become parent-friendly simply by adhering to a regulatory act or by paying lip service to it as a PR exercise. The organization needs to be friendly across the lifecyle of a parent, and not just the beginning of it. What is required is systematic sensitization and compassion from the employer and the colleagues. At the same time, I must play the devil's advocate and ask for a more responsible behaviour by the new-parents as well. So, on one hand, while the reporting manager must empathize with a paranoid young parent who is rushing home early over a sneeze that the precious bundle of joy just had, the paranoid young parent must also learn to stop freaking out over every sneeze. Because when you misuse or abuse the trust reposed in you, you not only provide disservice to your organization; you also give it one more reason to stop being nicer to more parents.

A day for friendship

Some friendships don't need a band for validation..
Nor a red rose dipped in yellow, for acceptance..
Neither an exorbitant coffee from a special-for-today menu..
Nor a teddy with "Best Friend" etched on a fabric heart and given to all..
Some friendships stand the test of time and graduation..
They survive phone changes and farewells at work..
They are neither diluted by marriage or withered by distances..
Some friendships are like the sun..
They rise to the occasion like clockwork..
They peek through the darkest of clouds..
And they'll be there, even if you dont pay attention.. always..

I don't need to tag you.. you know who you are.. and you know what you mean to me.. Thank you.

The Mother of All Judgements

Society hath no prejudice like a woman judged. And the mother of all judgements is reserved, unfortunately, for the mother herself.

It begins much before the woman actually becomes a mother. No child even after three years of marriage; “Must be one of those ambitious types” or “Must be something wrong with her”. Remains nauseous and irritable in the first trimester; “She’s over-reacting. My Bhabhi also delivered a baby and she never acted this way”. Hasn’t put on too much weight in the second trimester; “Must be one of those figure conscious types”. Puts on too much weight in the second trimester; “All this pampering seems to have gone into her head”. She’s judged if she hopes for a boy and she’s judged if she pines for a girl.

But the proverbial shit really hits the fan when labour strikes. If she undergoes a c-section; “Must have insisted for it”. If she opts for an epidural; “Took the easy way out. She’ll never be able to bond with the baby without undergoing the pain”. If the child weighs less than 3 kg; “She never really took good care of herself”. If the child weighs more than 3.5 kg; “I kept on telling her that she’s eating unhealthy, but she just wouldn’t listen”. If the child is formula fed, “She’s taking the easy way out. She’ll never be able to bond with the baby like she would have through breastfeeding”. If diapers are used; “She’s taking the easy way out. We never used diapers during our times.” If a nanny is hired so that the mother can join back work; “Must be one of those ambitious types.”

In fact, taking the easy way out is considered a hara-kiri for the mother and fostering an ambition is akin to having a secret uranium enrichment programme. Motherhood has been made to look like a rite of passage – the more pain you endure; more you change your life; more you adjust and compromise; better a mother you are.

This goes on to such an extent that eventually the mother takes the whip from the hands of the society and starts flogging herself with self-doubt. As if she is less of a mother, if she uses formula. As if she’s less of a woman if the libido wanes after a full day of feeding, cleaning the poop and helping with the household chores. As if she’s less of a human, if the baby catches a cold or gets a rash due to the diapers. 

The father, of course, is not usually judged too harshly if he opts for a cheaper non-AC room at the maternity hospital; or if he doesn’t wake up in the middle of the night every time the infant cries. Nor is he deemed too ambitious if he decides to shift cities with a child in tow for better job prospects. But it is time we realise that parenting is a collective responsibility. And when one is unfairly judged, somewhere it affects both. So, although as fathers, we might not be able to do everything that a mother can; the least that we can do is stand by them as they face the judgements and fight by their side when they finally decide that enough is enough.

Article in the Loksatta Jansatta Newspaper | March 26, 2017

A New Parent Walks Down The Aisle

Every day we are bombarded by thousands of ads, promotional campaigns and flyers that are thrust upon us while we wait for the lights to turn green. If our brain were to process each of these stimuli, then it would probably konk-off by the time you drove down to office. How the brain manages to maintain sanity (or some resemblance of it) is by streamlining and prioritizing needs and wants. So, you end up seeing the ads that match the stated or unstated needs inside you. Now you know why the roads seem to be full of car advertisements when you want to buy a new car.

Most of the times, this process is manageable because you are buying for yourself. You know (or at least you think you know) what you want, and thus can make a buying decision. This is why it’s so difficult to buy a gift for your other half – because it’s difficult (and dangerous) to guesstimate what someone else might want. And worse, most of the times, they don’t state it because they ‘expect’ you to know. (And also, because you don’t listen, but that is for your other, better half to explain).

Now imagine buying stuff for someone who is a fraction of that better half and is more adamant at not stating her needs (Chill! I’ve a daughter. I’m not being a sexist!). That’s right! Welcome to parenthood! There is a whole world of products out there, that you don’t quite register till the time you don't become parents. And once you enter this world, it is quite easy to get overwhelmed and lost.

Everything seems exorbitant when you see the almost-nothing quantity of material you get for maxing out your credit card. And worse, everything seems like a must-have because (a) you are trying to think like a new-born and (b) because the marketers know a thing or two about manipulating and guilt-tripping first-time customers into buying a lot of stuff that they really don’t need. These shopping expeditions can be a learning experience as well. For example, there is a clothing size called ‘new born’ as well as a size called ‘0-3 months’ (why!). Like every learning, these too come at a price. 

But remember! Parenthood usually lasts longer than most home loans. So, space out your purchases. You can always buy that ‘my-baby-absolutely-needs-it-right-away’ diaper changing station, next month. Another important rule to remember is ‘what is costly, is not always better quality’. Give those small shops and bustling markets where your parents used to shop for you, a look before you head to the malls and online markets. You usually get very good stuff in those ‘old city’ markets and they can save you a lot of money as well – which you can later spend in buying diapers. 

(This article was published in the March 03, 2017 edition of Loksatta-Jansatta newspaper in Vadodara)

No Textbook For Textbook Parenting

For a nation, so proficient at making babies, we aren’t too efficient at preparing first-time parents for the grueling life ahead. The onus of training the new mother still rests on her mother, while the new father relies on a whole host of practically experienced or theoretically sound well-wishers and good old Google baba. Prenatal classes continue to remain an elusive creature that your Amrikawale cousins talk about.

Parenting is both an art and a science,but it has no textbooks. You only learn on the job. In most cases, soon after the birth, the all-knowing grandma takes over. For the next 1.25 months (or 3, 5 or 6 months as the case may be), the freshly conscripted mother is taught the tricks of the trade. By and large, Naanis are quite adept at passing on the not-so-secret code of motherhood. But quite often, like a new mobile phone pre-loaded with bloatware, this information also contains a fair bit of “old wives’ tales” – basically, information that is at least 25 to 30 years behind its time.

Now I am not the one to debunk every ancient knowledge as archaic. Some of these ‘tricks’, although not corroborated by any baby book, still work wonderfully well. I even know of few pediatricians who swear by these ‘Naanimaa ke nuskhe’ even if they can’t always explain scientifically as to how they work.

However, the knowledge deficit is not only in skill, but also in temperament. From personal experience, I have realised that one of the most powerful and faithful, yet understated tool in a parent’s toolbox is patience. The exuberance of becoming a parent lasts for the first few days. But eventually at some point, you will be left in a room with a child that knows nothing about the world around and a spouse who is almost as inexperienced and overwhelmed as you are.

There will be nights where the child will cry for no apparent or plausible reason, there will be times where she’ll wake up with a start just when you think that the worst is over, and there will be times when you will repent planning a family in the first place. You will feel frustrated and helpless. And then it’ll turn to anger – sometimes at yourself, sometimes at your spouse, and sometimes, even at your child.

What one needs to remember is – no matter how bad the situation may seem or how incapable and clueless you may feel, you are not alone. Almost every first-time parent goes through this nadir.It is just not something that people make Facebook posts about, so you are usually not privy to such experiences. Another thing to remember is that no matter how dark the night may seem, the morning will arrive. And when this proverbial, but beautiful dawn comes, you will be more patient than you were the night before; and probably more than you ever were in your life before.

Make no mistake, parenthood will continue to throw challenges at you, it will test your patience and it will test your love; but you will be more equipped and better prepared to handle it with every passing day.

(Published, with minor edits, in the January 29 edition of Loksatta-Jansatta newspaper in Vadodara, India. The views mentioned are personal.)

The Parent Rant

Marriages are highly over-rated. Decades of movies, urban legends, smart-alec friends and whatsapp forwards have played bogeyman to make us wary of marriages. “Your life will change”, “You’ll lose all your freedom”, “You’ll lose all your friends from the opposite sex”, “You can change your boss when you change your job, but you can’t change your spouse” (well, at least not that easily). Hogwash! I married my high school sweetheart four years back, after eight years of courtship; and you know what?? Nothing changed! In hindsight, it could be because I was always this one-woman, miserly, conservative and boring chap whose idea of a good time is hogging food at a roadside stall – but meh!

But you know what really changes your life? Parenthood. Imagine life as a roller-coaster – marriage is just a slow upward climb where you’re being pushed ahead by creaking levers and gears. Parenthood is what comes after that pause on top. It can be scary, exciting, scream-invoking, puke-inducing or all of them together… almost simultaneously.

Parenthood can be quite revealing too. No, I’m not talking about your personal inadequacies. When you become a parent, you suddenly realise everything that is wrong with the world – Salary hikes which aren’t big enough to impact your standard of living but are just enough to put you into the next tax bracket; taxes that make you feel that when you go on a date, you are taking the government with you; traffic where everyone wants to go somewhere but eventually no one goes anywhere; processions for events as prosaic as weddings and as preposterous as an India-Bangladesh match; hyper-active festival celebrations which all look, feel and sound the same. Suddenly you can feel every draught that passes through the hinges of your door because your baby feels the chill and a shiver runs down your spine!

One of the first things I realised after becoming a parent two months back (Thank you! Thank you!) was this:India is an incredibly noisy country! From the neighbourhood aunties who shout from their balconies everything from their prospective lunch menu to their husband’s persistent rash, to the roadside romeo who’ll faithfully honk his horn every time he passes by the house of his newest beloved; from the TV sets that are sold as much on the loudness of the speakers as they are on the clarity of the picture, to mobile phones that ensure that every living organism in a 200m radius knows when a call comes in – This country believes in keeping everything loud & unclear.

My latest gripe is regarding toys; toys for infants and toddlers, to be precise. Why do they have to be so loud? Why must all my neighbours know that my kid is listening to Twinkle Twinkle Little Stars? Why can’t I have a peaceful (or even a comprehensible) conversation while my kid is playing her latest toy? What makes this worse is that gradually, this cacophony becomes competitive. The latest toy has to be louder than the last one. In fact, it has to be louder than any other noise-making apparatus in the whole vicinity! Things have come to such an end that parents shake the toy to see what kind of sound (who are we kidding? Noise) it creates before they buy it. It’s a bat!! A cricket bat!! It’s not supposed to rattle!!

We as a nation must break this vicious circle of noise so that my child can sleep in peace; so that I can sleep… at last! Please!

(This article was printed in the Sunday edition of Vadodara's Loksatta-Jansatta newspaper (January 08, 2017). My first ever news article. :-))