The one question I’ve been asked time and again over the last 15 days is “Are your ok?” or some variant of it; either a question or a statement of hope – “Hope you are fine”, “Hope you’re holding up”, “All well?”. Initially I tried answering it with a statement that was truer to my state of mind at that time of the day instead of just pasting a generic reply. I ended up giving curt replies to some really close friends and a long heartfelt response to some acquaintances who were just checking in. But I honestly don’t know how to respond to that question anymore.
What is ok anyway? What constitutes as ok? That I feel
hungry and thirsty at regular intervals? Whether I’m going to the office or not,
or whether I’m able to sleep or not. I do all of these. Sometimes consistently,
sometimes not so. I still go online (although the frequency has gone down), and
I still send out memes or put up stories that resonate with me. But there are
still times when I don’t remember anything on my way from the office to home.
One minute I’m fine and the next I just think of a song or a sentence or a
memory and just... zone out or cry it out.
I knew the clock was ticking. I knew this day would
eventually come. It’s like watching Sadma for the second time. You know how it
ends. You dread it but you watch it. You think you’re prepared for it. But the
sheer severity of the situation still overwhelms you. You still cry. You still
feel lost. You still believe that you’re stronger now that you know. But no. That’s
not how Sadma works... Neither in film, nor in life.
To say that I’m ok would be as untrue as saying that I’m not
ok. There is no right answer to this question, but I still thank you for
asking. In an age where ‘Happy Birthday to you’ has been reduced to ‘HBD’ and
condolence messages are high-five emojis being repurposed as folded hands, I thank
you for taking that extra time and effort to type a message or call me. I may
not always have a reply, but I’ll remember that you asked.
