Citizen K

I am citizen K; A proud citizen of India. I am proud of India only and only because I strongly believe that one’s Dharma and Motherland; in spite of all its shortcomings, is still better than someone else’s Dharma and Motherland.

The last some days have been interesting.  Interesting; because there is no other way to describe it. Do we as Indian become sarcastic or indifferent towards this? We can if we choose to, but it’ll hardly make much of a difference. We’d just be closing our eyes while standing in front of a charging bull. Do we show anger? We can but then what is it going to lead to? We can expect all men to show their anger at the right place, in the right manner and more importantly, towards the right person.  We have been reacting in similar terms through all the blasts, riots, kidnappings, inflations, pseudo-wars etc.

What happened in Mumbai is a mockery. Not just on Indians, the politicians, the intelligence,  the armed forces or the utopian concept of democracy. It is a mockery of everything and nothing at all.  Just now, the honourable Home Minister of India, Mr. Shivraj Patil has ‘taken a moral responsibility’ for the ‘tragic incident’ and has hence tendered his resignation.  The only responsibility that Mr. Patil has taken, is that he was incompetent to handle the position which was given to him. Where was his moral responsibility when blasts were happening all over India? How come his morality got a wake up call only and only when assembly elections are taking places in Delhi, MP and Rajasthan?  Had Mr. Patil’s moral conscience really woken up he would have vowed to catch all the people who were responsible for this, he would have made sure that Dawood got extradited or at least mysteriously ‘neutralized’ on Pakistani soil. And when everything would have been hunky dorey then perhaps he should have gone on national television and should have said “I did the duties which were entrusted upon me, but the finger pointing and mud slinging by the opposition, the media and even my own colleagues has hurt me a lot. Hence, I choose to step down in the high point of my career as Home Minister”. That would have been poetic.

Ladies and Gentlemen, least we forget; Mr. Patil is just a fall-guy. He is just a crash test dummy who needs to hit the wall at 200 km/hr so that the actual driver of the car remains safe. We are all collectively responsible for everything that happens. Why is it that when it comes to basking in the glory of winning a test match or 20-20, we become collectively, a happy set of Indians? But when it comes to taking responsibility for a screw-up, we start pointing fingers. All the politicians that we blame are eventually just illegitimate children of our own misdeeds.

Finally, a note on the media coverage. The Indian media has been the only entity in the past few days to have shown some consistency. The Indian media had made a name for itself being blood sucking hounds and parasites, for being opportunistic to the point of fornicating their own sisters in order to make a breaking news story on incest relationship, for being pimps in the hands of those with money, power and both. And they have lived up to that. In its own way, the Indian media is a beacon. It is beacon of motivation on what can be achieved by being consistent. Consistently good or consistently bad, is a different ballgame altogether.

Perfect...

In Oscar Wilde’s only published novel “The picture of Dorian Gray”, the protagonist decides not to put his best work of art on display, because he is afraid that he has put too much of himself into it. And thus, is against the proposition of putting himself before the lewd and cynical eye of the public at large. When I first read this book, a couple of years back, I doubted the merits of such an act. After all, it is a dream of any artist to paint his magnum opus; that one stroke that defines his stroke of genius. But now that I’ve thankfully matured into a greater and more profound level of understanding, I can quite see the reasons behind such an act of denouncement.

All our lives, we strive for perfection. A state where we are at peace with ourselves; a state of self-actualization. A vast majority of us are blessed with the destiny of not attaining this perfection. Thanks to all the worldly pressures, pleasures and distractions. But then, there are an unfortunate few who stumble upon this stage, even if inadvertently. Now, that you have achieved perfection, what next? Where does one go from here? It is like a darkness that surrounds our eyes just after we finish a 200m dash. Only this time, this darkness is more perpetual.

I should add here that I’m not contemplating something that is completely abstruse and relegated to the realms of arts and humanities. This is something that we all know and practice throughout our lives; in all forms of public domain. When a person joins a sales department, he is warned not to show that much zeal and efficiency in the very beginning, because the sales target are, by definition, unattainable. It is said that the more you achieve, more is expected of you in the next quarter. And who could forget the famous Hawthorne effect? In this ground breaking study conducted in early 1930s, it was found that the gangs of workers were deliberately under-performing under an impression that if they finish the work before time then they will become obsolete that sooner.

I, as a matter of fact, am quite far from the level of perfection that I’ve set for myself. But I’m quite aware of the fact that I may stumble upon it sooner than I plan to. But here lies the clincher, I plan to.... after all what is life without a little bit of a death-wish?

Rambling inconsequentially...

I seem to have seceded into a strange sense of restlessness. A restlessness where I am in equal anticipation of things to happen... And also afraid, that they might... A restlessness, where everything matters and, yet, nothing does.... What am I waiting for? What is it that still eludes me? Why is it that the more I try to stay calm and go to sleep, more I see my legs shaking to a subliminal vibe? And last, but perhaps more importantly.... Why am I even bothering to ask such questions? I don’t think I even care to know what the answer might be.

How does one know where one stands if one doesn’t know where one started or how long one has travelled? Why is it important to know where one stands? Because the place of one’s existence in life, is unique. No two beings can exist at a same place at the same time. So where one is; is of no consequence to anyone else. It is only sick to seek gratification by trying to know more about something about which no one would be interested in knowing and even if they did, would be plainly unfathomable to understand.

For example, why am I rambling like this? What is it that is bothering me? Is there anything at all that is really bothering me? Why am I making my life miserable by constructing such long complex sentences and trying to join them together using a myriad labyrinth of punctuation marks? A strange fight to beat those frustrating green wavy lines of MS Word which remind me that man-made algorithms are better at a language, which man has perfected long before its very existence. Would you understand? And more importantly, would you care?

Plagiarised Originality

It has been quite a while since my last post on this blog. Strangely enough, I don’t have anything to say even now! It is so difficult to say anything original nowadays. As if everything that could be said about anything on earth, has already been said.

Come to think of it; what originality is actually left? Our thinking is predominantly based on what we have learnt, what we have learnt, is predominantly based on the experiences of other people or from books written by someone else, regarding life as they saw it. We know that red is red, because we are taught that it is “red”. What difference would it have made had one learnt to call red as orange from the very beginning of life?

Even in terms of everyday life, we end up doing what someone else has already done. I accept the fact that we end up doing it in our own special way, but there is nothing radical in it, is there? We end up filling into our boss’s shoes, we end up fulfilling the dreams of our parents... the dreams that they must have seen after seeing someone else live it.... we become husbands and wives and try to emulate the happiness and behavior of husbands and wives around us.... husbands and wives who are probably doing the same thing. Our homes either take a leaf out of Gothic, Rajasthani, Mughal or South Indian style of architecture; and even when we ‘try to break away from the rut’, we end up copying some vague modernistic design! Even, our radicalism is a product of inheritance!

I do not propose to start a movement wherein we break all the set rules and barriers and make something new... a new order..... sounds familiar?.... that was Communism, a hundred years back!... My point is... in spite of doing what someone else has already done.... we don’t seem to do it any better, do we?... so instead of setting a new world order, why not set this world into order based on what we already know or do?

Think.... Cerebrate....

Second Chances

An egalitarian would like to believe that we are all born equal with similar capabilities, strengths and weaknesses and hence, deserve to live in an equal society. But I've always begged to differ. After all, history has proved that equality has never been Man's forte. Man has always survived and flourished in a society segregated on the basis of caste, religion, gender or race. I have to admit to admit that Men are born unequal.

You see a Prince Harry or Prince William enjoying royalty in their early twenties, you see a Raphael Nadal sizing up to the brilliance of Roger Federer (case in point, French Open Finals, 2008) when he is hardly twenty, you see Shah Rukh Khan running after trains in Europe of DDLJ when he was in his mid- twenties..... and then you see, yours truly, a 35 yr old in the garb of a 22 yr old waiting for middle age to settle in at any time!..... If you care to observe you also see people in their early twenties still grappling with their graduations.... and the unfortunate many, who dont even get a chance to go that far in life.... It is tough to imagine that we were all born in the same earth in the era of 1985-1988 and yet we have all become so different from one another....

Psychology has long tried to settle the fight between innate capabilities and the impact of environment on personality development... the battle of Nature vs Nurture.... Some believe that we are already what we are destined to become, by the time we are born.... why still others believe that the environment we group up in has a louder say in how we eventually turn out to be.... But it has never been a case of either-or..... its always 'and'..... the circumstances under which we take birth and the environment that nourishes us.... both are equally important....
There is something to learn here too.... you see, if both these things are equally important then this automatically proves that nature by default has given Man a life line.... you see, if success is 100 then Nature and Nurture would be 50-50 each.... hence, even if one gets an unfair deal in one, he can always try and compensate for it in other.... so if you got on 20/50 in the birth stage of life, make sure that you get 50 in the growth stage of life.... If we carry this logic forward than it defeats the whole caste system on which our society has flourished so far..... Birth may be a water-tight demarcation.... it may brand you as a caste, sub-caste or sect for the rest of your life.... but you still have the nourishment.... you can still learn from the environment.... because environment is still equal for everybody....

And all this time, I thought that life never gave a second chance....

The Maximum City

I recently finished reading Suketu Mehta's "Maximum City"... I must admit that I read it, not to learn anything new about this wonderful city of Mumbai... but to reiterate my faith in its beauty..

Mumbai has everything going against it... It is bursting at its seams due to a dangerous heady cocktail of Pollution and Population... There seems to be a rather "parochial" (I dunno who quoted this word first, but the media has been lapping it up and regurgitating it again and again.. and I suspect if many users actually even know what it means).... so where were we??.... ah yes... there seems to a rather parochial tension flowing underneath the fabric of the society... Mumbai invites many, It cant handle any... It has a lot of money to flaunt, but none to give...

So what is so great about this city?? why is it that inspite of being reminded about the grim realities, a farmer leaves his acres and settles here in square foots?.... Why is it that inspite of all the complaints, nobody ever says that enough is enough... why doesn't anyone want to leave this city?...

Every person who lives in this city has his or her own reason for being here... so in a way, Mumbai is a city of close to 15 million reasons... some come here to satisfy their needs, some to satiate their greeds... some have nowhere else to go, while some have everything here...Mumbai shows a hope and a dream to everyone who comes in.... Contrary to what some "popular" parochial (there, i used it again!!) leaders might want to think, I find Mumbai to be one of the least biased cities in India.... I have seen Mumbai give a fair chance to whoever is willing to work... irrespective of caste, creed, religion or even nationality.....

If you look at it careful, there is not much difference between Mumbai and any other city in India... they have common problems of slums, poverty, dirt, pollution, electricity, water, roads, roaches and politician (the last two can be used interchangeably).... the difference lies in perception... while other cities with all their incongruences, give a sense of despair... Mumbai, with all its limitations, still manages to shine a ray of hope... a person walking on the street (quite literally, because the sidewalk is probably dug up!) will look at all the Audi, the Mercs and the BMWs and will feel invigorated... He'll try to go an extra mile so that if not the Merc, at least he makes enough to afford a BEST which would at least take him off the road....

Mumbai is a cruel place... and hence, it is safer.... it robs you off all your ignorance and innocense and makes you street smart... Here, you fight against the criminals, by having a criminal streak of mind... women are safer, because they know how to fight, and know how and which expletives to use on whom....

Mumbai, as a city, is greater than the combination of all the people who inhabit it.... Mumbai is the summation of their aspirations.... aspirations, which are not quantifiable.... Mumbai cannot be the domain of a few... It is as much of the poor, as it is for the rich.... I thank Mr. Mehta for giving it the sobriquet of "Maximum City"...... It has a maximum of heaven and hell, on offer... It is up to you as to what you take from it....


P.S.:
Parochial: adjective
Relating to or supported by or located in a parish
Narrowly restricted in outlook or scope

Conundrum of Hopes and Dreams....

It is funny to see how close poets come to understanding life. Considering their tendency to being utter quirks, we never expect them to even care of life, let alone know about it. But they do... they really do.... Why else would Robert Frost have said "two roads diverged in a yellow wood"...

We all have our own proverbial private forks in the roads... It comes at different times for different people and means different things to different people.. My fork has come.... there was a time when I was fond of quantifying the number of forks, I've been through... but frankly, it was just taking a lot of my time and patience..

A very long, pampered, excessively dependent period of my life is coming to an end... In the words of DJ in Rang De Basanti, I'm going to the other side of the college gates.... and I can get a feeling of everything thats about to change.. one of the biggest change is the strange confusion of hopes and dreams...

Previously, all dreams were safely classified as dreams... things which could be obtained only by some freaky change of events.... but now, dreams seem so achievable... its like previously i thought, I'd buy that car some day.... after cashing in on the provident fund cheque or something.... but now I have the tenacity to assume that I may be able to get a loan for it or something after 4-5 years of hard "meaningful" work!!.... that is of course discounting the fact that I'd have to save every penny of my earnings and would not be able to spend on luxuries of life like food, water, clothing and shelter etc!!..... but thats a small price for a car, isn't it??...

There was a time when the land acquisition rates in Mumbai were exquisitely meant to quote as trivia.... "Do you know that a flat at NCPA, Marine Drive, went for Rs 98,000 a square foot?!"... but now, my heart skips a beat everytime there is a talk of tweaking in the home loan interest rates!.... all this, when I'm not even elligible for a two wheeler loan for next 6 months!!...I know that I'm still thinking in raving discordant thoughts like Raskolnikov of Crime and Punishment... but I can see that the tenacity has increased...

If you look at life in closer details, you'll see that at any stage of life, we are as happy as the ratio between dreams dreamt and dreams achieved.... the closer this fraction comes to One... the better off we are and happier we are with ourselves.... I'm starting out this phase with many tenacious dreams.... only time and future blog posts will tell me how happy I am....

Time is of the essence...

Ah! what a luxury it is to waste time!.... specially when you know that you really cant afford to do it... The high is comparable to igniting a 5 buck cigarette with a 10 buck note.... It proves nothing to anybody (except of course that you are spoilt li'l brat!)..... but somehow, it still gives a high..... a higher sense of being.....

Wasting time comes naturally to me.... I've wasted precious time in all crucial situations in my life.... writing poems a day before the physics paper in board exams, watching movies while preparing for exams, getting a luxurious 8 hour sleep before the exam day, making presentations 1 hour before giving them..... but still, I am here..... no love lost, no ATKTs fought... a good clean academic record...and mind you, a life well lived...(hopefully*)....... but sometimes it makes me wonder, what I could've done had I worked harder instead of wasting time on frivolous activities..... then again, I would'nt be writing blogs.... coz my blogs are usually my way of laughing back at misery....... case in point, this post is 3 days prior to my submission of my MBA grand project....... I rest my case!

Sardar Vallabhbhai Patel is supposed to have said once that for him, time is of the essence... I wonder if I'll even get the privilege of knowing as to when time will actually become of essense for me..... till then.......

An after thought: Please do not try to ignite a 5 buck cigarette (or any cigarette for that matter!) with a 10 buck note..... other than the fact, that its an absolute mean and inhuman thing to do, its also a blatant disrespect towards our nation..... Please treat the currency as a symbol of the nation.....

* Every fool is entitled to a private paradise.... my paradise took a somersault when I realized that I've used the word "hopefully" in a wrong manner, all my life!!......Hopefully is an adverb. It's not a verb as it is most commonly used. Using the word correctly as an adverb means to substitute it instead for the phrase “full of hope” or "in a hopeful manner." ...... stop smirking, su......

Countries, Nations and States...

It is said that if we dont know history, then we are bound to repeat it... Its wonderful to see how men revel in their ignorance.... I'm sure many of you would read the first statement with a sense of "Hey-I-Know-that, gimme-something-new"..... thats the problem with adages, they are repeated to the point of triviality.... and it never returns to mainstream practicality thereafter....

History is replete with instances of war and strife over riches, land and even silk and spice.... But we, as humans, are destined not to learn anything from history..... even today, we see wars being fought over land and sometimes even over water..... You open the papers on any day and you see filmstars going on "token" hunger strike to protest over river sharing agreement and Tibetans trying desperately to garner much deserved attention to their cause....

The problem such as Tibet, has all the makings of History.... and that need not always be a good news..... It is a study in anthropology as to how man sees a country showing blatant disregard for the sanctity of a fellow nation, and still he keeps quiet; least he antagonizes the powerful infiltrator..... It happened with Germany, France and USSR..... but we still live in a fool's paradise that, that was then.... it'll not happen again.... it'll not happen today...... but when the solid excreta hits the wind circulating apparatus, who is going to stick his head out?...... I hope we dont get an answer to this, 60 yrs down the line, in a history book.....

One more disturbing trend is growing amount of regionalism..... A chance encounter with Political science showed me the difference between a Nation, a State and a Country (I'm not going to make life so easy for you, check wikipedia for further details)...... it seems as if we are living in the same country but in different nations, governed by states having different objectives and private agendas..... some thing like living in an apartment in a housing complex but not caring much about what happens to the neighbours..... or worse still, taking too much interest into their affairs!.... A hundred millionaires in the east coast working in the west coast and vice versa, made USA, a super-power.... It'd have been a different world, had the confederate states actually flourished.... The wealth of a nation is more than the sum total of the wealth of its countrymen.... its about time we understood this well enough to remember it when we need to.....

When everyone thinks that it is any one's job.... and everyone expects everyone to do it..... Nobody does.... I know this because nobody did..... I learnt my lessons.....

Ek soch yeh bhi..

aaj socha ke rishton ke khaate ka byora liya jaye..
aur dekha ke saalon se ghaate me jaa rahe hain..
hamesha zyada diya, aur kum liya..
kabhi pyaar ka deficit hua, to sarkari tareeka apnaya.. aur chhaap diya.. 

sood to ek khwaab hai, yahaan to asal ka bhi chehra nahin dikhta..
karzdaar isi firaaq me hain ke kab unka karz maaf ho jaye..
kya karein?.. yeh muneem dil kuch bhoolta bhi to nahin..
na itni himmat, ki karz wapas maange...
na badhdhappan itna, ki maaf kar de.. 

aaj socha ke rishton ke khaate ka byora liya jaye..
kab tak zindagi ki kaagaz kaali karte rahenge?..  

Mid-term Polls...

One of the toughest job for a writer to do, is to read his/her own work.... Some times you just look at an old essay, letter or a blog in disbelief and say "did I really write this?" which is usually followed by "Why the hell cant I write like this anymore?".... Both are rhetorical questions, by the way..... On the other hand, there is always some work of art which we are not particularly proud of.... hence the adage, "my best is yet to come"...... well, I did the unthinkable over the past few days.... I actually read all my blogs!!!.... and here are my conclusions..... If you think that i've been hard on myself then please let me know... If you think that i've let myself off quite easy then..... ditto.....

1. It is so simple to be difficult, but so difficult to be simple.... I've been using rather esoteric words lately (and i rest my case!)
2. I've been quite judgemental at times... how is a 22 yr old supposed to have undergone so many experiences and how has he made so many firm decisions on how life is? (rhetoric, just for the record)
3. I've yakked a lot about what i've learnt through the experience but i've hardly shared my experience... so you know how much wiser i've become, but dont know from which shade of stupidity did i achieve that enlightenment! (there I go proving my first point again!)
4. I've been rather verbose..... it could've been shorter..... sweeter.....
5. I might try and become a little less altruistic (wordweb, here i come!)
6. I need to loosen up a bit..... I am not an octagenarian writing my memoirs about times immemorial.... a little bit humor always softens the blow!
7. I need to be more regular!..... a post, a day will sound like Doogie Howser M.D.... but i got to be somewhere between here and Doogie...

Let me know if I missed out on anything..... I dunno if i'd be able to incorporate all these points in future.... but I guess, realization is a beginning.... right?

You remember that time....

Life teaches a lot to those willing to learn.... I have learned that all our present worries and problems are, eventually, anecdotes to be recounted in the future.... Think of your first day in school when you thought that life was just not worth living anymore..... or the time when the teacher threatened to fail you, give you a leaving certificate or worse still, call your parents to the school...or all those board exams when the "concerned" uncles and aunties used to make "concerned" enquiries about your "progress" so that you "settle" in life properly.... Aren't all of those just funny anecdotes to be recounted now?

Life is profound... life is abstruse.... Life is not something that can be permanently changed by a single day or an event..... whatever happens, Life goes on.... Life continues through all the emotionally tumultuous breakups and suicide bids and mark sheets.... All it expects from us is to get up, tidy up ourselves, laugh at our folly (so that the people around you don't laugh at you), Make a mental note of what happened and what you will do in future.... and..... move on...... Jump back into the flow of life and let it take you through its course.....

We live in a world where originality is a rarity... all art is, but, inspired from something or someone in the past.... hence, making a slight correction to a wonderful dialogue from the movie, 'Gladiator'..... Misery smiles at all of us, all we can do is... smile back...

Another year....

Another year passes by, another picture on the wall.
a monotonous cycle of summer, rain, winter and fall.
same resolutions, destined to be broken.
Many dreams, still to be woken.

The dream of a promised life,
health, wealth, children and wife;
Is hoped at the end of this strife.
In the dark alleys of moonless night, I grope.
We all live in a constant hope.

Tomorrow will become yesterday in time.
Even Lemonade is but, water, sugar and lime.
Any day is only worth its shame or glory.
when there is a promised future and a forgettable history.

To Rhyme or Not to Rhyme...

Words, now, resemble bricks on a wall,
What was once a ripple in the river.
Pearls of an oyster, indifferent to the strings of tune.
The world still makes sense, when the words don't rhyme.

I say what I mean, the message still goes through.
People need not always follow suit, but I at least did my job.
I might as well have said, "At least my job, I did do".
But the world still makes sense, when the words don't rhyme.

What good did the poet do, that the playwright didn't?
Lives are changed by reason, not rhyme.
To rhyme is vanity. A picture of a lavish spread in front of the starved.
To rhyme is hypocrisy. What rhymes with "rhyme"? sublime? lime? dime?
The world still makes sense, when the words don't rhyme.

We all sense the same, in a different way.
Making sense was never a reason to rhyme.
The world may still make sense, when the words don't rhyme.
But that was never the point.

Surviving Omniscience

This is somewhat in continuation to my earlier article on agnosticism... I am in a strange state of being right now... We all have our down days (where we question everything including, our existence and pretty much despise ourselves) and then there are those wonderful up days (when we seem to have a Midas touch, everything we do is right)... I am typing this post in the middle of an up day....

I feel like making a rather bold (and to some extent, blasphemous) statement..... I feel like an Omniscient.... the all knowing wise one..... this term is usually associated with God... but he has generously agreed to lend that title to me on a short lease (I'm the one with the Midas touch today, remember?)

I claim that I know everything that is worth knowing.... and the things which I don't know, are not worth knowing anyway!... Now the question remains, how do I decide if the thing is worth knowing or not?... simple.... as I am the Omniscient, I know.....

After that faint smile on your face fades away.... think about my statement again.... as per my logic, aren't we all Omniscient?.... In all the days of all our lives, we decide, rather randomly, as to what we want to know and what we don't... we are all selectively permeable towards the external stimuli... Something that we don't know, doesn't concern us... the rising crude oil price means nothing as long as our petrol doesn't become dearer... Gold prices don't mean much till there is a wedding at home... tension in an adjacent country or a state is always someone else's problem, or is at best, just a passing remark or an opportunity to start a new discussion....

We all live in our private omniscience.... a private world of knowledge and ignorance... we never give much credit to what we know, we don't give a damn for what we don't.... In the truest sense of the word, we live a dangerous life... just imagine, the summation of our combined knowledge as a race, is so minuscule in comparison to the vast tracts of ignorance lying beyond the realms... Let us understand what we know so that we realize what we don't... but till then, its all about surviving this omniscience.

a comment on agnosticism

Please do not be dismayed.. I neither have the time nor the inclination to start a debate on whether God exists or not.. I have long believed that "for those who believe, no proof is needed. For those who don't, no proof is enough" (thank you, David Blaine)... My reason (or excuse, depends on how you look at it) for writing this post is the sickening trend of agnosticism .. It seems as if God has been relegated to the same group as System or the State.. Whatever happens, Blame it on God...

Someone once said that we laugh at old customs but religiously follow the new ones.. We seem to have enough reasons to question the existence of God, but not enough proof to support our case.. Why do we ask him (or, her) to prove his/her existence when we take for granted, so many things in life... We spend a vast majority of life believing in molecular science and astronomy while a vast majority of us never really see an actual electron or fly in space, for that matter... My point is that when we believe in science through all its inferential proofs then why do we demand exactitude when it comes to theology..

At the risk of being branded blasphemous, I'd go to the extent of saying that Atheism is better than Agnosticism.. At least we are not asking question to someone who cannot (or will not) answer... and we are not asking for an answer which we will never believe anyway... If one still chooses to be an agnostic then so be it... my advice would be, when you question the creator, you'll have to question the creations too... think about it...

That extra mile

I saw a rather rare streak of energy in my mannerism today (or yesterday, if you are really serious about technical details).... Since past some years, I'd started assuming that I can spread happiness even passively.... somewhat like diffusion where the the ink drop spreads through the width and depth water... Today I realize that by trying a little harder... I can go an extra mile....

At an intensely abstruce yet an unconscious level, I wanted the day and the occasion to be the happiest... or even happier than a normal day... This eventually led to a laugh where a smile would have done.... and a smile where there were none.... A statement that need not have been necessary.... a temporary disregard towards bothering to determine what is necessary and what is not.... it was like an emotional high.... a point where you have an out of body experience... where you go somewhere between the heaven and earth and see yourself down below... that way you can control (or as in my case, let go) of oneself in a better way..... I loved myself today... Makes me wonder.... where I was all these years??.... did I go an extra mile today.... or was I travelling less all these while?...... I would love to be what I was today..... dont we all want a certain part of our lives freeze framed?... a perfect moment when everything was where it is supposed to be and everyone who were there, had to be there at that point in time....

Average

We live in a house which is too small to be called a "Bungalow" and too well kept to be called a tenement (which I just learnt that it means 'A run-down apartment house barely meeting minimal standards'. Thank you WordWeb). When my father decided to increase the living area by an additional floor, One of the criteria that he had had in mind was, how big is the house adjoining ours? Because, it'd be senile to undertake a construction which is smaller than the one nearby and it would be a blasphemy to increase the scale way beyond the others in the 'society'.. Going just one additional floor would be friendly competition.... but going beyond that would mean the invocation of anti-trust laws!

Over a period of time, everyone constructed.... and more or less, everyone had this underlying criteria in their blueprints... so we ended up in a society of clones... each house sickeningly similar to the one nearby.... Thus, proving true the law of averages...

Fundamentally, Humans are a confused lot... we never seem to know what we have, but we know for sure that its not enough!... If the human race were to be plotted on a graph then probably it would show normal distribution curve.

a vast majority of us will be concentrated in the middle of this bell shaped curve... on the left would be the unfortunate few in the society who never got a level playing field... and on the right will be the privileged few who dared to escape from the concentration camp in the middle.. We look at disdain on those who are on the left and want to come in... and we look with an equal disdain on those willing to break out... At one level, we want to be that someone who managed to stand out in the crowd... but at a larger level, we console our wounded conciousness by stating that we are happy with what we have, that we have an average life which, although not spectacular; is still better than the lives of all those on the left..

I dont mean to be judgemental and altruistic by preaching that we commit a sin by being average... we all have our reason... and some, have excuses.... I just want the world to realize that no matter where they stand... there is always some space left above... and in case, you dont want to take the risk... Please let the way in for those who do....

Black and White...

David Ogilvy would have hated my blog.... The great advertiser was of the view that the matter layout should always be black letters on a white background, rather than what you see right now... But the purpose of my blog is impress myself, to supress myself and to express myself... Taking care of Mr. Ogilvy's ground rules doesn't figure in my scheme of things...

I started this blog with a very basic post and a very basic idea that I wish to share my interpretation of life with all those who care to read... somewhere down the line, my life has started mimicking my blog rather than the other way around.... The present layout of this blog defines the present status of my life....

I experimented with colors... I chose some which really didn't define me.... and gave them an opportunity to do so.... they disappointed.... a color that you dont wish to see on yourself is a stain.... so the only option left with me was Black or white.... Here on, it was just a matter of cancelling the non-viable options (something, I used extensively in my MBA entrances)... so I've decided to opt for black because I know that I dont want to opt for white.... for me, white signifies tameness, defeat, rigidity, lameness and all the similar words that you may find for the ones already mentioned, in the thesaurus... Black is infinite, enigmatic, curious..... I love the way black makes your eyes strain in order to make these words legible... I love the concept of infinite black.... no beginning, no end, enveloping everything, yet so empty.... revealing nothing yet explaining so much.... One more thing about black is that it never surprises... one doesn't expect much from black so there is not much expectation to live up to.... when all the colors have disappointed in one way or the other, I thought that it was the apt time to embrace black...

If you have any comments, let me know.... I really dont know if I'd care... but I'd still like to know....

half a bucket...

For me, one of first signs of loneliness is Half a bucket of water.... The first thing I do when I'm alone is to fill half a bucket of water and keep it in the bathroom.... as a contingency measure in case, water decides to run out on me and I dont have anyone to get me out of this predicament.. and as I look into that lonely bucket, I see only myself... I dont think there is anything as depressing as the sight of looking at your reflection in the mirror and realizing that you are alone in that reflection...

I always feel that the world is divided into two kinds of people.... People who love themselves and people who hate themselves.... I dont see much scope of people being indifferent about themselves.... Either you are a narcissist or you are masochist, no middle ground.... There is no harm in being either one of the two; as long as it doesn't become conspicuously obvious in your behavior towards the outside world... also, the way you feel about yourself is quite dynamic by nature.... in a span of moments, you might go from loving yourself to hating yourself... so what ever you are feeling right now, this too shall pass...

One more, rather, strong belief of mine is that it is really very hard to lie to oneself... you really have to be desperate in order to do that with even some degree of perfection..... hence, reflections are quite revealing.... in that bucket of water, I see myself.... and the way I see myself will determine if I'll be depressed or not.... sometimes I'm not.... right now I am... I did not wrong in the recent past... I have no guilt bearing on my soul.... and that's the problem with your perception about yourself.... it is hardly ever logical.... and even rarer to have some proof to substantiate your views about yourself....

This one is for you, Motu...

There always comes a point in all our lives, when we are more happy for someone else's happiness than our own.... It is in our destiny to be unselfish, at least once in life.... This is my first blog for a specific person, rather than a specific topic..... for a person, whose happiness is so tempting that sharing it just as a friend; didn't seem good enough.... hence, this blog is for a wonderful sister; in a hope for a wonderful life ahead....
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A very close friend of mine is planning to get married soon... Makes me think... we grow up reading great works of literature....Each one describing life in their own specific way... Shakespeare calls it a great play stage.... Shelley calls it a dome of many coloured glass.... we accept each view-point quite passively.... as if the value of that philosophy extends only as far as the next term exams.... but the real truths in life are those which are self-realized.... the best philosophies are the one you make on your own... based on your own experience....

Life is a constant change.... just when you feel that you've got the key to life; life changes the locks.... I feel as if I've reached another cross-roads in life.... a cross-road from where nothing will be the same again....

the future holds a new set of friends whom I'd rather call "Colleagues".... A new family in which everyone will be looking up to me for all the decisions... endless responsibilities, limited rights.... Less time before the mirror, more time before the exhaust pipe of the vehicle before me... Less movies, less t.v. but a life that will resemble a script, nonetheless.... a life where everything that could be counted, need not count and everything that counts, need not be counted....

This bend in life is at an uncertain distance for me.... in an uncharted territory.... but for my friend, it is more real.... more cognitive, more tangible..... and I am proud of the grace, poise, maturity, happiness and contentment with which she is embracing this bend.... We may still flow in the same course of life.... we may drift away.... we may cross path some day.... we may dry away.... but one thing is for sure.... no matter who reaches that great sea before... the water of that sea will be a lot sweeter for the river coming in next...

With all the best wishes for, Motu.... and in the anticipation of all the happiness in store for her...
Murthi
(Living in a constant hope)

of the clever and the wise...

How I wish I could learn from other people's mistakes!.... I would never have to commit another mistake in life.... I have read much, but I remember less.... If God lies in details, I guess I'm a little too religious.... I had read once that a person is clever if he learns from his mistakes.... but he is wise if he learns from other people's mistakes...

But I know too well that learning from other people's mistake is not a luxury that I am privileged to indulge in..... for me to learn, I have to commit my own set of mistakes..... Because that is one of the inherent characteristics of mistakes.... No two mistakes are ever the same.... they may be similar but never the same.... We commit mistakes in our own environment; our own domain..... and the environment is different for each one of us..... at least we perceive it differently.... That is why even twins who are born and brought up under the same conditions, turn out to be completely different.... each one unique in their own respect.... You are unique.... Just like everyone else....

Come to think of it..... if we cant learn from other people's mistakes, then how are we to learn from other people's success?? Because, just like mistakes, success is also unique to an individual domain.... what I may consider to be a success, may not be the same for you... The answer to this question has the potential to destroy a Billion dollar industry.... that of self-help books, motivational literature and for that matter, even autobiographies....

I can proudly say that I have never actively read an autobiography.... let me repeat, I have never ACTIVELY read an autobiography..... because I would never want my success to be scaled in a parameter, set by someone else.... My idea of success is different.... but it'll always be a success for me...

I do not wish to say that you are wasting your time if you read self-help books or autobiographies.... They do motivate at some levels.... but still, one has to succeed on one's own steam and for one to success.... one has to live with one's own set of failures.....

a Wise man is not an ideal.... an ideal is constrained by the limitation that it can never be achieved.... to be wise is difficult, not impossible..... this world is filled with people who are clever and wise.... and at different times and under different circumstances, the wise or the clever will inherit the earth.... it also depends on who is writing the blog....

Happy New Year!

Everybody, I know, is going ga-ga over the new year.... there has been a flurry of resolutions made and broken in front of me in the last 3 days... Chain smokers 'deciding' to stop smoking... and five minutes later, deciding to 'go slow'.... Hybrids of man and sloth deciding to get up early... starting from 'tomorrow'..... over-weights deciding to lose weight and under-weights deciding to do the opposite... I knew that you would ask..... No, I did not make any resolutions.... I don't need the date on the calender to be January 1, 2008 in order to decide to do something (or not to do something, whichever the case might be.)

I don't understand why whole of India is going gung-ho over the new year.... I mean, we have at least 2-3 new years every year!!!... Tamilians and Ahoms have it in april (and i strongly suspect that there are more in this list)... Gujaratis have it in October.... or is it November?? (who cares, by the time its October or November I am also halfway into my year!!)....

The only reason I could think of is that.... this is probably the day when you can let out your deepest wish in the form of a 'resolution' and test the ramifications of what would happen....

Ladies and Gentlemen, time for some revelations!!!.... when an obviously obese person resolves loudly in your vicinity that he wants to lose weight.... what he is secretly aspiring to achieve is your sympathy and a word or two like "oh! you look just fine"... "you are smarter than everyone else".... "size doesn't matter"..... Think of it this way, if your wife/girlfriend/partner asks you if she/he is looking fat... how would you reply??..... exactly!!!.... you are expected to use that same diplomacy on 1st January as well!!

I do not want to be perceived to be a party pooper.... at the end of the day, the only thing that stands between a resolution and a success, is the will to do so.... So, there are obviously many cases of successful resolutions as well (although, I've not come across one so far)..... so if you are one of those who resolved.... and who resolved successfully.... then I guess you wasted your time in reading this blog.... this was supposed to be an ode for nincompoops like me!!!..... and for everyone who resolved and then absolved...... Let us firmly resolve that we will stick to all resolutions we make on January 1, 2009.....


P.S.: I know that its not going to work.... but like I always say..... "We all live in a constant hope"